I recently celebrated another trip around the sun, but this one felt very different than years past. It’s not just because it was a pandemic birthday with no parties or candles to blow out in front of family and friends. And it’s not because it was less exciting with no real plans to go or do anything, although we did end up finding a very cute private outdoor house/igloo situation for just my immediate family which was quite fun. The reason this birthday felt so different than my previous ones is that I felt truly content.
It’s a bit embarrassing to admit this, but for many years, probably since my early 20’s, I have always felt a low grade sadness on my birthday. I’ve never really been able to explain it as I’ve never really understood it myself. I am very aware of how fortunate I am and have been throughout my life with my family, friends, and health. My life has never been perfect by any means, but on the grand scale of things, I think I’ve had it pretty good. So I had no reason to complain. I felt guilty about the sadness I would experience each year. It’s like I would go into a birthday funk cloud that would lift when I awoke the next day.
Now that I’m so aware that my thoughts create my feelings, I wish I could go back to the younger versions of myself and find out exactly what I was thinking to cause that sense of sadness each year. Was it thoughts like, “I’m not where I should be.” Or, “I’m not living the life I imagined at this point.” Or was it simply, “I feel lonely.” Maybe it was some combination of all of these or maybe it was something completely different that I can’t access at this moment. Regardless, I can look at my current thoughts to see why this year I felt so different.
When I look back at 2020, there is so much collective loss. There was loss of life, money, business, physical contact, and so much more. As we ushered in 2021 with vaccine distribution in full swing, there was so much hope and there still is, but there was also news of insurrection, new Covid variants, extreme weather and unexpected illness and death. It hasn’t exactly been the best start. So when I woke up that cold, dreary February morning with hours of work and laundry ahead, I was expecting the familiar malaise, but miraculously it was replaced with deep gratitude. All I could think was “I am here, breathing, alive. I made it. It’s been almost a full year of this pandemic and I am still standing. ” When I turned on my computer to log on to my work portal I thought, “I have a job where people need me and technology to connect to them.” When I was folding my kids’ laundry I thought, “I have loved ones who depend on me. I have kids who are finally back in school.” (I know many are not so fortunate.) All of these thoughts were prevalent and kept spinning in my mind. Intellectually I always knew these things. I could articulate them easily if asked. But I’m not sure I truly, deeply felt them or believed them. This time there was no question.
If nothing else, this past year has taught me true, deep, real gratitude for every mundane aspect of my life. My thoughts about Covid and the past year create feelings of gratitude and contentment in my life. Nothing before matters and the future is not promised. Right now, right here, is all that matters. I am here, breathing, standing, alive. For many years I have been saying a Jewish prayer as soon as I wake up, “Modeh Ani”, thanking my creator for returning my soul and giving me life. I mumble it quickly, rotely, often still groggy from sleep. On my birthday and each day since, I said it with newfound meaning and will strive to do so each day of my life.
What are you grateful for from this past year?
