I was fortunate to attend a fantastic talk this weekend about healthy relationships and making them great by the wise and inspiring educator and self-development leader Ruchi Koval. She shared so many words of wisdom, but I wanted to highlight a few practical tools she discussed. Her talk was geared towards marriage relationships, but was applicable to relationships with parents or children, siblings, friends, colleagues and really anyone in our lives.
She calls these hacks relationship first AID and here’s what they stand for. I may be paraphrasing a bit as I didn’t take notes, but I think you’ll get the point.
First AID for Relationships
A: Ask yourself the following question before you say something – Is this going to bring us closer or further apart?
How many times have you said the first thing that pops into your head and blurt it out without thinking? Maybe you are even half-joking and or just trying to be funny. But it doesn’t come out that way or the other person certainly doesn’t take it that way.
Or maybe you are trying to make a point because you just know that you are right and you feel very justified in your thinking and just have to make sure the other person knows.
Is what I’m about to say going to create connection or disconnection?
Will it bring us closer together or pull us apart?
If you aren’t sure, chances are it will not be in your favor and it’s best left unsaid.
I: Intimacy over efficiency. She was referring to prioritizing emotional intimacy, but I certainly think this would apply just as much to physical intimacy as well.
Most of us, especially the moms out there, have a to-do list longer than we desire and limited time to actually do all those things. We may get caught up in the day to day responsibilities of life or even just sucked in to a great show on Netflix or scrolling social media. Then someone in our life comes along and makes a subtle plea for connection. Maybe our husband tries to tell us about something that happened to him or asks us to come look at something or go somewhere. Or maybe our child wants our attention and we’re in the middle of something on our list or caught up in what we’re doing or about to run to the store. So we dismiss the subtle plea or don’t give them our full attention.
This is a mistake, Ruchi argues, as we just passed up an opportunity for intimacy. It may not seem like much, but as they say, most relationships don’t get destroyed by one big event, but rather die by a thousand cuts. The fewer times we cut, the more alive our relationships will be.
Most relationships don’t get destroyed by one big event, but rather die by a thousand cuts. The fewer times we cut, the more alive our relationships will be.
mindful doc mom
D: Do. Do means that while our words are very important and we need to express them to others, our actions speak much louder than words. This concept is one where we show, rather than tell.
I learned this back in high school English class where my teacher ingrained in us that if you want to make a statement, don’t make the statement. Illustrate it with a story. Don’t talk about the character’s good qualities. Show their good qualities by describing what they are doing.
The same is true in our relationships. We can tell someone we love them all day long, but if we don’t do loving things for them, our words have much less meaning.
Just like first aid can heal a wound or even save a life, by asking if what you’re about to say will bring you closer or apart, prioritizing intimacy over efficiency and showing rather than telling others you we feel, you can create healthy, thriving relationships with the people in your life.
I can tell you that only minutes after the lecture ended, I already benefitted from these tools. My husband and I left the hotel and walked out into the cold towards our car. I approached the passenger side while he walked around to the driver’s side and immediately, without thinking, I was about to jokingly blurt out, “What, is chivalry dead?” as I reached out to open the car door. And just as quickly the words above popped into my mind. Will this bring us closer or further apart? Recognizing the obvious answer, I did the best thing I could think of which was to keep my mouth shut, sit down in the car, turn to my husband and thank him for coming with me that night. It was a wonderful evening and that choice ensured it stayed that way!
If you are looking for more practical tools to improve your relationships, whether it’s with a partner, child or most importantly with yourself, consider private coaching and schedule a free call with me at the link below.
