I am continuing with the list I am sharing of my 13 mistakes that suck the joy out of parenting and make it harder than it has to be.
Mistake #3: Not evaluating yourself
Most of us don’t like negative feedback. We don’t want to see the not so great part of ourselves, the messy part of us. We’d rather push it away, shove it all in the closet and shut the door.
Can someone say Press Ganey survey??!! Us physicians just can’t wait to open up the results of the questionnaire each month and see what patients really think of us … not!
But we have to make room for the ugly sides of us if we want to grow and improve and isn’t that what we’re here for, afterall?!
In the 2022 Pixar film, Turning Red, a teenage Chinese-Canadian student transforms into a giant red panda when she experiences any strong emotion. She learns an important lesson through this experience captured in the following quote which is a favorite of mine:
People have all kinds of sides to them. And some sides are messy. The point isn’t to push the bad stuff away. It’s to make room for it, live with it.
– Jin (Turning Red)
There’s an amazing concept I learned about in my religion called “Cheshbon Hanefesh” or an accounting of the soul. It’s something we do throughout the month of Elul, the last month of the Jewish yearly cycle before Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year. It’s considered a month of reflection on the previous year and planning for the new year ahead. The process is similar to the account and balance sheet that businesses perform annually. Without this balance sheet, the business doesn’t know if they drew profits or losses. The same goes for our soul.
Part of this process involves evaluating your relationship to the other people in your life. This could include your children, your spouse, your parents, your friends, colleagues and acquaintances. With each of these groups and people, you consider whether you’ve become closer to them or more distanced from them or did things you’d have been better off not doing.
Next, and most importantly, you take the “losses” and turn them into “profits”. You ask yourself empowering questions that lead you to find solutions to the problems in your life.
Ask yourself, how can I be a better parent? How can I be a better spouse? How can I improve the atmosphere in my home? (It’s a known fact that moms control the weather, afterall :-))
While “cheshbon hanefesh” is a month long process, I believe you can do this in a much smaller way on a daily basis and have a huge impact on your life and those around you.
Imagine if every night before you went to bed you asked yourself three simple questions:
- What worked today?
- What didn’t?
- What can I do differently tomorrow?
By asking yourself these simple questions on a regular basis, you can develop a clear picture of who you are now and who you’d like to be and be ready to make the necessary changes and commitment to get there.
How do you handle negative feedback? Are you willing to give it to yourself? Let me know in the comments if you’re willing to share.
