It is estimated that human beings have somewhere around sixty thousand thoughts per day.
According to the National Science Foundation, about 80% of these thoughts are negative and over 90% are repetitive.
Since negative thoughts lead to negative feelings, it’s worth noticing which of these repetitive thoughts keep coming up for you as they are likely having a negative impact on your life.
Rather than letting your brain run on autopilot, maybe it’s time to steer your brain in the direction that best serves you.
Thoughts That Make You Feel Awful
If I could get into your head and record your thoughts for just twenty-four hours, how many times do you think I would capture your brain offering you either of the following phrases?
“I should do …”
“I have to do …”
My quess is quite a lot!!!
When you believe these thoughts, you feel imprisoned, trapped, stuck, guilt, among several other negative emotions.
A Case Example
I was coaching a single mom physician who was feeling a lot of guilt about being at work and away from her kids. She kept bringing up these phrases: “I have to go to work, but when I’m there I don’t really want to be there. I have to work or I couldn’t afford to take care of my kids.” She also felt similarly when she was at home; that she should be doing work instead. Her result was that she was never happy or satisfied in the place she was, whether it was at work or at home.
Being Honest With Yourself Is Always the Key To Feeling Better
Here’s the truth:
You DON’T HAVE TO do anything.
There is NOTHING YOU SHOULD DO.
Everything in life is a choice. EVERYTHING.
Think about your day from the time you wake up in the morning to the time your head hits the pillow and you drift off to sleep.
There are hundreds, if not thousands, of tiny decisions you make all throughout the day, each and every day of your life.
Do I get out of bed now or hit the snooze button?
Do I work out or do I get some more sleep?
Do I brush and/or floss my teeth and/or wash my face?
Do I get dressed or stay in my pajamas?
Do I wear this outfit or that one?
Do I eat or skip breakfast?
Do I eat this or that?
You get the picture. You haven’t even left the house yet and you have already made a multitude of choices.
Going to work is also a choice, even if you have kids at home and you’re a single parent.
It may not FEEL like a choice, but it still is a choice.
You Always Have A Choice
When I discussed this with my client, she, too did not see working as a choice. She felt it was something she had to do, should do, must do.
So we went there.
What would it look like to make a different choice?
Well, she could quit her job. She could not have her own money. She could dip into her savings or even deplete her savings. She could move to a less expensive home. She could move in with her parents. She could apply for governmental assistance and live on food stamps. She could not feed her kids every day. She could switch careers and find something where she works fully from home. She could continue to not work and depend on outside help.
And on and on we could go. It may seem silly or even ridiculous, but this is a super useful exercise to play out all the possibilities, as crazy as they may seem.
We played this game and went down the road of what all the different choices she could make would actually look like. As we did this, she began to see how those things could be a reality, but they are a reality she doesn’t actually want. She wouldn’t choose them and she didn’t choose them on purpose, but she was not aware of this at the time.
She was looking at her current life situation, believing that it was just happening to her. She believed that because she got divorced and was a single mom that she had to work. But nothing could be further from the truth. She chose to work and actually wanted to work. Once presented with the options of what her alternative life could be, she realized that she did actually like being a doctor wanted to continue to practice medicine. She was proud of being a doctor and showing her girls what they could accomplish.
She realized that every time she believed that she “should do” something or “had to” do something, she ended up feeling a negative emotion, often in her case, guilt.
What To Think Instead
When you realize that every time you think these phrases, you end up feeling awful, it may be time to replace “I should” and “I have to” with phrases such as “I choose to” and “I get to”.
Imagine how different you would feel in your body when you think these phrases.
Instead of feeling stuck, imprisoned, and trapped in a situation that seems out of your control, now you can feel more empowered. You are making deliberate choices for your life.
Even if your job comes with parts you don’t like, such as being on call or temporarily away from your family, for example, you are choosing to do this because there are other benefits that are also important to you. You get to make this choice and you get to do this work.
Burnout In Women
In The Burnout Study in Women, which surveyed over 4,800 women, Dr. Darria Long describes something called the “Do It All Discrepancy” (Black KJ, et al., Frontiers In Psychology, 2022). The “Do It All Discrepancy” is the difference between how much a woman feels she should be able to do and what she actually can do.
82% of women reported that they felt they should be able to do it all, but only 7% felt that they actually could do all that they needed to do and that was directly tied to burnout.
According the to study’s key findings, the “Do It All Discrepancy incorporates the very real expansion of women’s responsibilities, plus the idealized “do it all” expectations that have risen over the past generation. The Discrepancy also represents a new framework to visualize and discuss the specific drivers of burnout today.”
Imagine if these women let go of many or even just one of their “shoulds”. The discrepancy Long describes would begin to shrink and the stress, overwhelm, and anxiety would shrink as well. What feels insurmountable, can now feel more possible. What you can do is now within your reach.
What do you think about the idea of changing “I should” to “I choose to” or “I get to”? I would love to hear some of your thoughts in the comments.
