It was our first holiday in two years celebrating with extended family and friends. We had plans outside our house for the first night of Passover and we hosted the second night seder at our home. I spent days planning and preparing. But unfortunately I couldn’t plan for everything. I certainly couldn’t plan for a child who had no interest or desire to attend the ritual meal I had been so eagerly awaiting. All the images of a big, happy family gathered together in unity and joy flew out the window the moment my child decided to exercise her free will.
All the images of a big, happy family gathered together in unity and joy flew out the window the moment my child decided to exercise her free will.
mindful doc mom
I won’t go into all the details, but just picture a strong willed child refusing to get dressed up or leave their room or come to the car at all. Imagine heels dug in, tears, hiding, not greeting family … you get the picture.
These two events could have turned into one big disaster. If the same thing had happened two years ago, I am certain the outcome would have been much different, mainly because of how differently I would have reacted.
Trust me, I had LOTS of thoughts going through my head during these events. In the past, those thoughts would have led me to LOTS of negative emotions like frustration and anger and I would have easily acted out of those feelings only to later be full of guilt and regret.
Only this time was different.
This time I had tools and knew how to manage my mind. I knew that my emotions were totally within my control and not something that just came over me because of what this child said or did.
Only this time was different. This time I had tools and knew how to manage my mind.
mindful doc mom
This time I felt the frustration and anger building within me and rather than push those feelings away, I allowed them.
I became curious about my feelings and noticed the thoughts that were leading to them.
From that curiosity, I had compassion for my child. I wondered what she was thinking and feeling to cause her to act out in this way.
I was able to approach her and speak with her calmly, lovingly. I tried to understand what was bothering her. I expressed to her my great desire that she was part of this special celebration and how much it meant for me to have her there.
She didn’t want to open up to me at that moment and while I felt extremely disappointed, I allowed that feeling as well.
Eventually, she did attend both events. I wasn’t sure she would and I fully accepted the possibility that the holiday might turn out very different than I had imagined.
It did turn out different. We were half an hour late to the first seder. My child never made it to the second seder, but did eventually come down for dinner.
I never embarrassed or punished her when she finally did show up.
When everyone was gone, she was calmly and firmly informed of the consequences of her behavior. She lost her phone, but not her dignity. But she was also given an out. She could earn her phone back, but first she had to write an apology- 10 lines for every minute she made us late – 300 lines. She flat out refused. Pretended she didn’t care about her phone. It wasn’t happening she told me.
I was no drama mama. I was not going to make a scene or back down. She was given the consequence and the rest was up to her.
Today, three full days without her phone and without any drama, she handed me eight sheets of paper, front and back filled with her apology. With even less drama, I thanked her, returned her phone, and calmly warned her that next time it would be 20 lines per minute.
I am no childhood expert. I don’t claim nor want to be one. I am not a psychologist or behavioralist. I’m sure there are different and better ways to handle things than the way I did. I’m sure many will disagree with much of what I did.
But none of that matters to me right now.
What matters to me is that I showed up in a way that made me proud.
I showed up more calm and loving and compassionate than I have in many prior situations with someone I love.
I got to be more of who I am and today, my child and I are better for it.
Tonight there was laughter and communication. There was connection.
That’s all that matters to me.
I am a mom, first and foremost.
But now I am also a coach.
While my title of “mom” brings me more pride and joy than anything else in my life, it is my newer title of “coach” that I rely on on a daily basis to improve and enrich my life and the lives of those around me. It is the tools of coaching that I lean on to help bring the concept of “shalom bayit” or peace in the home into as many homes as possible, starting with my own.
If any of this resonates with you or you want to learn more, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. You can email me at mindfuldocmom@gmail.com or schedule a 30 minute call at the link below where you can share your own personal struggles and see how coaching could bring more peace, joy, and connection to your home and life.
