I made a mistake with my child today. I’m sure I’ve made countless mistakes in my parenting journey, but this one stands out because it underscores a tool that I learned that has changed my life in such a powerful way. It also reminded me how much more I love my parenting today than in my past.
Here’s my mistake: I signed my daughter up for an after school math competition against her will. I casually mentioned it to her, heard her protests, and signed her up anyway.
I had my reasons. She’s great at math. She enjoys math (she won’t admit this one, but I see it in her eyes when she figures out something complex). I value STEM in girls. This will be good for her. This will challenge her. I prefer this over screen time. Etcetera, etcetera.
Except she wanted no part in it. She felt so strongly about this that she burst into hysterics when this somehow came up during a car ride to the movies tonight. Instead of enjoying an evening of fun, I was listening to blood curdling screams coming from the back seat. My face felt hot. My chest was tight. My grip on the steering wheel was even tighter. I felt frustrated and it was morphing into full blown anger.
So many thoughts were spinning in my head. She’s so spoiled. She has no idea how lucky she is to have this opportunity. She’d rather spend that time on her ipad. She’s so dramatic. She doesn’t know what’s best for her, but I do. Etcetera, etcetera.
Those thoughts were blocking me from listening, from connecting, from loving.
I heard the crying and whining instead of what was underneath.
But then something shifted for me.
Instead of acting from the anger and frustration, I just allowed those negative emotions to be there.
Instead of pushing them away, I let them in. I allowed them to envelope me and just … felt … them.
And something incredible happened.
The sound of her crying and whining became less annoying.
A small space opened up.
Into that vacuum entered a new feeling – curiosity. I started to really wonder why she was so against this competition. Now mind you, it’s not like I hadn’t already asked her this question earlier. But the truth is, I didn’t really care about her reasons earlier because I had already decided that mine were so much better. So when she responded with “I just don’t want to”, I felt validated in my desires.
But this time it was different. I took a deep breath, loosened the grip on the steering wheel, peeked at her in the rearview mirror, and calmly asked her with genuine curiosity “why?”.
And this time I really listened.
And her answer blew me away. It was a really good reason.
So I paused. And thought about it for a few seconds. And offered her an alternative.
She could do the practice packet, but not the competition.
Her answer: a simple and calm “fine”. She agreed. She was agreeable. The crying stopped. The whining ended. That was it. So simple, yet so profound.
But it didn’t even matter what she said because I was able to be a better me in that interaction. I showed up how I wanted. I listened. I had compassion. I was calm. I was loving.
And of course when you show up calmer, more compassionate, more loving there’s a much greater chance that your kids will be more cooperative.
The magic all came from one of the best things that coaching has taught me – to feel my feelings rather than push them away. I’ll talk more about this in future blogs, but for now, just trust me when I tell you that this one tool is gold. It has literally allowed me to improve a good 75% of my interactions with my kids. There are other tools that have helped in different ways, but this one is truly magic.
When you feel your negative feelings rather than avoid or resist them, you create a tiny little space where all the goodness can flow in. Curiosity, compassion, creativity all have room to enter into this opening.
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
Viktor E. Frankl
Coaching taught me how to create this small space and now I teach others to do this, too. I’d love to meet with whoever is interested in learning more. Just schedule a call with me by clicking the link below.
