For the last few weeks I have taken some concrete steps to make one change in my life. I decided to pick something “small” that I believed would have a reasonable chance of success. I wanted to conquer this challenge over a relatively short period of time and move on to bigger issues in my life. I chose to focus on losing around 10 pounds. Not a whole lot of weight in the grand scheme of things, but just enough to make this 5’2″ frame body feel better physically and emotionally and reach my more “ideal weight”. I didn’t want to start any kind of new diet or new intense exercise regime. My plan was simply that – to plan ahead. I would take a few minutes each day to write down what I would eat the next day at every meal and eat just that. I didn’t write down exact amounts, or calories, or any specifics like that. It was very simple and quick. The idea was to make a plan and stick with it. I would write down my weight each morning and maybe make a few notes each evening about how I did while I was planning the next day’s meals. As I mentioned in last week’s post, I have been thinking about the concept of having a relationship with yourself and wanted to “test it out” so to speak by giving myself the opportunity to keep my own promises.
What happened next surprised me. I did a great job when it came to planning. I did take the few minutes each night to write down a plan for myself. Sometimes I even included a fairly healthy snack or two if I knew it might be a stressful day or even dessert knowing my sweet tooth. But when it came time to eat what I had written less than 24 hours prior, my brain went crazy. I threw an internal tantrum. I rebelled. I looked at what I wrote on that paper (or phone) and compared it to what else was available to me at that moment, whether in my fridge, at work, or at a restaurant, and I broke my promise to myself EVERY SINGLE DAY. Just up and changed my mind. Nope, I’m not going to eat what I said I would eat. I’m no longer interested in that. I’m just not in the mood for that right now. That other thing sounds so much better right now. That’s what I told myself. But why?? It wasn’t like I put food on my plan that I didn’t like. It was all things I normally eat. I wasn’t going keto when I love carbs or anything like that. I made the plan myself. I didn’t copy or follow anyone else’s plan. I didn’t put myself on a “diet”. And still, it felt like I had failed. It was a pretty eye-opening experience. And I didn’t lose a single pound. No shocker there. So what was the problem? Why couldn’t I do something as simple as eat what I said I was going to eat? Why is my relationship with myself so poor? Or is it??
This is where the turning point comes for most people. Things didn’t go as planned. You didn’t achieve the results you wanted or even move the needle at all. You feel guilt and shame. The effort just doesn’t seem worthwhile. Now what do you do? Do you give up or do you keep going? Do you label this as a failure and use it as an excuse to stop or do you see it as a lesson and a reason to propel you forward? Who are you going to be?
That is the question I have been asking myself today as I look back at my “food journal” and my steady weight. I can look at each day and see where I made mistakes. I can see where I didn’t plan enough food for the time of day I’m more hungry. I can see where I didn’t think about the drawer of chocolate my assistant keeps for me and my colleagues at work that I gravitate towards at 3pm. I should have planned for that one and written it down. Who was I kidding?
When I look a little closer, though, I see some really great wins as well. I did do what I said I was going to do by taking the time each day to actually write something down. There were several meals where I actually did eat exactly what I had planned. One in particular was notable. I had plans for Sunday brunch at a really great restaurant. I looked up the menu ahead of time and picked the meal and drink I wanted. When it came time to order, I was very tempted by another item on the menu that my friends were ordering, but I stuck to my plan. At the end of the meal when they ordered some delicious looking donuts, I kindly declined as I didn’t have dessert on the plan for that meal. I never would have done that in the past. The biggest win of all, however, is my heightened awareness of my thoughts around food. I am more aware of all the chatter in my brain and how big a role urges play in my daily life. I am more aware of my intolerance to discomfort and the need to buffer my stress. I never thought of myself as an overeater or as an emotional eater. I did think of myself as being a sugar and chocolate addict, so was surprised that I had so much difficulty with the non-sugar items on my plan.
So who am I going to be?
“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
– Michael Jordan
I want to be a person who is not afraid to fail. One who makes mistakes, but keeps coming back. This exercise in weight loss is a model for my entire life. So I will keep going and growing, falling and rising, failing so that I can succeed.
Who are you going to be?
