Yesterday I discussed feelings and how they drive all of our actions and desires. Everything we do or don’t do in life is because of how we think we’ll feel by doing it.
We go through our days with so many different emotions, but most of us don’t actually know how to feel them.
We have been taught how to escape our negative emotions by the people in our lives as well as by social culture and conditioning including the media.
There are three things you can do with a negative emotion:
- Resist
- React
- Avoid
When you resist an emotion it’s like holding a beach ball under water. You can do it for a while, but eventually that ball will fly up with greater force than you could hold it with. Resistance creates more tension which perpetuates the negative emotion that you are trying to resist.
When you react to an emotion it’s like throwing a temper tantrum. It can look like yelling or screaming or crying. It’s releasing the emotion without actually feeling it.
When you avoid an emotion, it’s doing things that distance you from the emotion. You try to dampen it by doing buffering activities like overeating or overdrinking or overworking, to name a few. This one is more subtle because our culture has made avoiding emotions so easy and acceptable.
It’s totally normal and human to do all of these things, but none of them will lead you to a good place.
All of these coping mechanisms just leave you with a net negative result.
But these are not the only options available to you.
You could actually feel the negative feeling.
You could be willing to allow the negative emotion.
Allowing or processing an emotion is a skill that you can learn and practice just like any other skill.
Let’s say you feel angry about something your child did. You could resist that emotion and tell yourself that you’re really not that mad which will only end up making you feel angrier with time. You could react to the anger by yelling at your child. You could also avoid the unpleasant feeling by going to your pantry or fridge and grabbing some chocolate or chips or even some wine. Often times we do a combination of these things.
So you could end up festering with anger and resentment followed by guilt, disconnected from the child you love and overweight. Sounds great … NOT.
Or … you could allow the feeling of anger and welcome it in to your body.
Instead of slamming the door shut on the emotion, freaking out or running and hiding, you could just swing that door right open and invite it inside.
Instead of slamming the door shut on a negative emotion, freaking out or running and hiding, you could just swing that door right open and invite it inside.
mindful doc mom
Where in your body do you feel that anger? What exactly does it feel like? Is it a tightness in your chest? A feeling of heat in your face and throat? What color is it? Is it dark red or maybe black? Is it warm or cold? Is it hard or soft? Does it move or stay put?
The more specific detail you can use to describe the emotion, the better.
Be curious about it. Describe it like you would to an alien who came to visit this planet and has never seen anger before.
When you get to intimately know the negative emotions that you spend so much of your life avoiding/reacting/resisting, you will start to understand and allow them instead.
When you allow an emotion, you can just notice it by observing it with compassion.
First, you will notice it after it happens. Later you will recognize it as it comes and be able to interrupt it in its tracks. Soon you will even be able to catch it before it comes, at the thought level before the emotion is even produced.
Remember, a feeling is just a vibration in your body that starts in your head with a thought.
Are you really so afraid to feel a vibration?
Learning to process emotions is one of the most important skills you will ever learn.
It should be required learning of any child or student in school or at home.
It can completely alter your relationships with other human beings as well as the relationship with yourself.
Are you ready to stop resisting, reacting or avoiding your negative feelings? I help people do just that in my private 1:1 coaching program. Want to learn more? Email me at mindfuldocmom@gmail.com or schedule a free Zoom call on my calendar link below.
