So many of us want to change something about ourselves, but don’t do it. We know WHAT to do, but we just can’t seem to DO it.
Here are four simple steps to creating real change in your life and a practical example of how to do it.
The 4 steps are as follows:
- Awareness
- Assessment
- Decision
- Action
Awareness
Before you can make a change, you have to identify the actual problem you want to solve or change. Write it down on a piece of paper and then write down the THOUGHT you have about that problem. If you wrote down more than 1 thought, which thought FEELS the WORST? Write down that feeling in 1 word.
For example, maybe the problem is “I yell at my kids”.
The thought about that problem may be something like, “It’s bad to yell at my kids” or “I’m ruining their self-esteem” or “I’m ruining our relationship” or “I’m a terrible mother”.
Out of these thoughts, the one that feels the worst might be “I’m a terrible mother” because that thought leads to a feeling of shame.
Now that you have the THOUGHT and FEELING, you have become AWARE of the TRUE REASON for the problem.
The reason can always be found in your thinking.
Assessment
Now that you’re aware of your thinking, look at the thought you chose and ask yourself the following questions:
Is it true?
Does it serve me?
Why am I choosing to believe this thought?
For the above example, the answers to these questions might be …
No, it’s not true. Sometimes I’m a great mom.
No, it doesn’t serve me to think this about myself. It makes me feel even worse.
Maybe I’m choosing to believe this because I’m afraid that I can’t change.
Decision
This is where you decide 2 things:
- Do I want to keep the thought or not?
- If not, choose a NEW thought that FEELS even 10% better, you still believe, and serves you.
For example, after assessing the thought “I’m a terrible mother”, you might discover that it’s not always true, it doesn’t serve you, and you’re believing it for a reason you don’t even like. You decide to change that thought about yelling at your kids to a slightly better feeling thought such as: “I do the best I can in the moment, and sometimes I mess up”.
This thought doesn’t feel totally great, but it feels a LOT better than the previous thought. In fact, when you think this thought, perhaps you now feel some compassion for yourself.
Action
Now instead of acting from unconscious thoughts, your actions moving forward will be driven by a deliberate thought that you chose.
When you interact with your kids next time and yell, instead of thinking “I’m a terrible mother”, you instead think “I’m a mom who did the best in the moment and sometimes messes up”. Instead of shame, you will feel compassion for yourself which, in turn will be more likely to lead to a feeling of compassion for your kids.
If you kept the feeling of shame and felt worse about yourself after yelling, you would be MORE likely to yell again. If you adopted the feeling of compassion both for yourself and your kids, you would be LESS likely to yell again. If you know that you mess up sometimes, that makes it okay for your kids to mess up too and diminishes your anger when they do.
Do you see how this works?
It may seem a bit cumbersome at first, but it’s actually a very easy process. You just have to take the time to do it and you don’t have to do it alone.
This is what I do with my coaching clients every time we meet.
We talk about issues just like these and look at what’s really driving your actions and creating your results.
If you are interested in working with me or want to learn more, get on a free call by clicking on my calendar link below.
https://calendly.com/mindfuldocmom/free-45-minute-mini-session
