When I first heard this statement about people pleasers being liars from Brooke Castillo, founder of The Life Coach School, I was quite taken aback.
The more I thought about it, however, the more I realized its profound truth.
When we say or do things just to make someone else happy, we often end up lying both to them and to ourselves.
Think about your typical work day and how many times you’ve people-pleased others throughout the day.
You put off closing your charts or resulting a lab or making a phone call because you don’t want to make the next patient wait longer.
You agree to see a patient who showed up very late because you don’t want them to get upset or write a bad review.
You order a test or lab because you’re worried about something bad, but you don’t want to actually tell the patient what you are thinking because they’ll probably get upset.
Maybe you even ordered a test or lab that you really didn’t think was necessary because the patient requested (aka demanded) it and you didn’t want to upset them.
This goes on and on, especially for women in medicine.
When you people please, you lie at your own expense.
Mindful Doc Mom
When you people please, you lie at your own expense.
It’s one thing to choose kindness and compassion and take action from a place of love.
It’s a completely different thing to take action from a place of fear, which is what happens when you say or do something because you’re afraid of what what the other person will say or do or think if you don’t.
You can tell that you’re people pleasing rather than doing something out of love because of how you’ll feel afterwards.
In the moment, you might feel pretty good. You said something that the other person wanted to hear. They’re happy so you’re happy.
But doing this again and again and you’ll notice a feeling of resentment. You’re acting out of obligation and not from a place of love.
The longer this goes on, the worse you’re going to feel.
Doing something from a place of compassion or love doesn’t create resentment. You WANT to do it rather than feel like you HAVE to do it.
You can tell others the truth and still have compassion and love for them.
You get to be honest and they get to decide how they feel. Their decision is none of your business.
Sometimes you might decide to do the thing they want you to do or say the thing that they want to hear.
But do it from a place of love, not obligation.
Some days I have flexibility and if a patient is late I am willing to stay late or fit them in during lunch for example or have them wait to see if someone else doesn’t show. I can do it without resentment, frustration or anger.
Other days, it’s a no.
Maybe I have to be somewhere. Maybe I have my own appointment. Maybe I have kids to pick up.
I love you, and no.
Byron Katie
Author Byron Katie offers five simple words that can change your life, “I love you, and no”.
Just like you can have compassion and love for your partner, your friends, your parents, your kids, and still say “no”, you can do the same for your patients.
Saying “no” when you genuinely don’t want to do something or know it isn’t good for you or good for them doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad doctor.
It makes you a human who is willing to be honest with others and with themselves and live a better, more authentic life.
If you are looking to work with a coach to help you get over your people-pleasing tendencies that are keeping you stuck and live a more authentic life, you can schedule a free call with me on my calendar link below.
