When my oldest child was a toddler, I remember taking her to our first mommy and me class. I was excited to get out of the house, have her socialize with other kids and to meet other moms. Only it didn’t quite go as planned.
When I got there, the other moms all seemed to know each other and were hanging out and chatting and making plans to meet up here or there after class or on a different day, one that I had to work.
I remember coming home & complaining to my husband that the moms weren’t very nice or welcoming and questioning the area we chose to live in.
One day, when the weather turned cooler, several moms in this same class showed up wearing nearly the same outfit with the same style boots. That night I told my husband that I think there’s some secret club going on in this area and I clearly didn’t get the memo or invitation to join.
So I spent my days off of work doing as much as I could with my child, but growing lonelier and lonelier. I had few, if any mom friends in my neighborhood.
I told myself that I didn’t belong with the working moms because I was working part-time and they had nannies and couldn’t do things with me during the week. I also told myself that I didn’t belong with the non-working moms because I had to work when they were doing things together.
The result of all these internal conversations was that I didn’t create a sense of belonging anywhere and remained isolated. When it came to my social life, I was dissatisfied at work and at home.
But the problem had nothing to do with my schedule. Whether or not I worked or didn’t work, the number of days I worked, whether I had a nanny or not, made absolutely no difference.
The only thing that was creating that result for me was the sentence I was telling myself that “I don’t belong”.
The other sentence playing on repeat in my brain was “They are excluding me”.
What we say to ourselves creates our reality.
What we say to ourselves creates our reality.
Mindful Doc Mom
When I told myself that I didn’t belong, I felt isolated.
When I told myself that they were excluding me, I also felt isolated.
From the feeling of isolation, I took several actions. Actually, I took several INactions.
I DIDN’T reach out to people. I DIDN’T invite them to do things with me on days I was free. I DIDN’T look for or create opportunities to make friends.
I DID look for evidence for how I didn’t belong. I DID focus on differences instead of similarities. I DID complain and create stories in my head of how others were excluding me.
I essentially created a bubble around myself.
By believing I didn’t belong, I found lot’s of evidence to prove that thought true.
By believing they were excluding me, I was inadvertently excluding them.
The result was that I remained isolated and didn’t make new friends.
Fast forward over a decade and learning the simple, but powerful truth that our thinking creates our results and I have a very different experience of my life.
I no longer feel chronically lonely and in the rare times I do, I know that I have so much more control over my results including my social life.
I now take responsibility for my feelings.
If I want to feel connected to others, I get to choose thoughts that create a feeling of connection.
From that feeling, I take very different actions. I reach out. I call people. I invite them to do things with me. I show up places and am willing to meet new people, even if it may feel uncomfortable at times.
I’m willing to be uncomfortable for my ultimate goal of connecting to others and having community.
What this has looked like for me in the last few years is being part of a monthly book club, learning the game of mah jongg and meeting with others to play, participating regularly in my local religious organization and attending monthly women’s events. It has looked like reaching out to work colleagues to meet outside of work. It has also looked like driving to a different city and flying to another state to meet fellow physician and non-physician coaches in real life that I have only previously met online.
There are countless other ways I can connect to others that I have yet to do, but now I know it’s completely within my control. If I’m ever feeling lonely, I know exactly what to do.
Here are five steps you, too, can do if you want a way out of loneliness.
5 Steps To Get Out Of Loneliness
Step 1: Identify your current feeling.
What is your predominant feeling now? Is it lonely? Isolated? Afraid? Bored? What exactly are you feeling most days when it comes to this issue?
Step 2: Take Responsibility for this feeling.
Why do you feel this way? The answer is not something outside yourself. It is not because there is no one similar to you nearby or because of your job or because there’s not enough time or because of Covid.
It is always because of a thought you are attached to. What is that thought?
I feel lonely because I am thinking …
Identify the predominant sentence in your head causing you to feel this emotion.
Step 3: Identify the feeling you want to have.
Is it connected? Worthy? Fun?
If you had to pick one main feeling when it comes to this issue, what would it be?
Step 4: Identify the thought you would have to think to feel this way.
What would you have to think to feel the emotion you want?
If you want to feel connected, what would you have to think? It’s okay if you don’t believe this thought. In fact, you DON’T believe this thought or you would have a different result now.
Step 5: Pick the next best thought.
Maybe your current thought is “I don’t belong” and you want to think “I do belong”, but it’s a stretch and you don’t believe that now.
What could you think right now that is even 5% better than your current thought, but still believable to you?
This is where you get to play and try thoughts on like you’re trying on clothes.
Maybe it’s something like, “I don’t belong, yet” or maybe “It’s possible that I will belong one day” or perhaps “I can decide if and when I belong”.
Whatever it is, make sure the new thought creates a feeling that is a step closer to what you want to feel and is still a thought that you believe.
If you take these steps above, you can move away from the feeling of loneliness and toward the feeling you want to create more of in your life.
If you need help with any of these steps and want to dive deeper into your life and see how coaching can benefit you, sign up for a free coaching session with me at the calendar link below.
