More than anything, most of us want to feel heard.
We want to believe that the people in our lives are actually listening.
We often think of people as either those who listen or those who don’t, but there are actually five levels of listening described by psychologist Dr. Elliott Rosenbaum. These go from the lowest level to the highest level and the higher you go, the better the result.
I found this description very useful, particularly when it comes to thinking about how we communicate with the loved ones in our lives. If you want to improve your communication, think about these levels next time you have a conversation with someone you care about and ask yourself what kind of listener you are and what kind you want to be.
If you want to improve your communication, think about the 5 levels of listening next time you have a conversation and ask yourself what kind of listener you are and what kind you want to be.
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Here is a brief description of the 5 Levels of Listening.
Level 1 – Interrupting
This is the lowest level of listening where you are not actually listening at all. All you are doing is talking over someone else or not letting them get their thoughts out. You are conveying the message that your thoughts are more important than theirs. While your intentions may not be bad and you just might have so much passion or so much to say on a particular topic, most people come away from an interrupter not feeling heard at all.
Level 2 – Waiting
The next level is better than interrupting, but still not great, and that is waiting. In this case, you are letting the other person finish their sentences, but you are not actually listening to what they have to say as you are waiting for them to finish so you can say what’s on your mind. You’re so focused on your own thoughts that you may not even hear what the other person is saying. This type of listening is more respectful than interrupting, but it can still result in the speaker not really feeling heard.
Level 3 – Mirroring
The next level of listening is where you not only listen to what the person before you is saying, but you mirror their own words back to them. For example, your friend may tell you that they had a rough day at work due to such and such and you reflect back to them something like the following, “So it sounds like it was a really rough day for you due to x, y, and z.” You might use their exact words or rephrase the words to something very similar. This is an active form of listening where the speaker feels like the other person is listening to them and a huge improvement from levels 1 and 2.
Level 4 – Sensing
In this higher form of listening, the listener not only hears the words the speaker is using, but also senses the nonverbal communication happening. You may hear the tone of voice rise or see the eyes twinkle sensing excitement or a lip quiver or shoulders drop and sense sadness and express this to the speaker. Here you are not just paying attention to the words, but the way the words are being used. You hear what the person is saying AND what they’re not saying. You hear and you notice. The result with this level of listening is a true sense of being seen and heard.
Level 5 – Transforming
While most people would feel amazing with level 4 listening, there’s an even higher level called “transforming”. With level 5 listening, you are transforming the way the other person thinks. This is not about just hearing, reflecting, or even understanding the other person and it’s certainly not about giving advice. This type of listening creates the space for the speaker to find their own wisdom and think of things in a new way. This involves subtly encouraging the listener to listen to themselves. It can be with well placed questions or even silence, all while paying attention to the words, what’s underneath and especially believing in the listener’s own ability to find the answers they seek and helping them get there.
So there you have it – five levels of listening with better results the higher you go.
Think about your last conversation with someone. What kind of listener were you?
One of the reasons I loved learning about these five levels of listening (besides the obvious that it could make anyone a better listener), is because it explains to me why I find coaching so transformative and powerful in my life and in the lives of those I coach. The coaching that I trained in, that I practice and that I participate in is, by definition, transformative listening. My own coaches hold space for me, believe in my wisdom, and help me find it in a way that allows me to transform my life for the better. I do the same for those I coach. This is why coaching will forever be part of my life, both as a client and a coach.
Do you want to experience the transformative power of coaching and see how it can benefit your life? Schedule a free 45 minute call with me by clicking the calendar link below.
