Hot, red, fire.
That’s how my face looked. That’s how my insides felt.
I wanted to run, hide, escape as far away as I could.
I think I actually giggled a little. But inside I was crying. I was dying.
Embarrassed. Humiliated. Mortified.
That’s what I felt when I heard these words from the teacher:
“Sofia, I’m going to mute you now.”
It happened.
The thing I never thought would happen to me, happened.
The thing I didn’t understand how others let happen to them, happened.
I forgot to hit mute during the Zoom meeting.
And they heard me.
They heard everything.
They heard the conversation with my husband when he came up and started talking to me, not knowing I was in the middle of a class.
They heard things that were never meant to be heard publicly. Private things about my life.
I thought I was muted. I always hit mute. But this time I must have forgotten.
So I was flooded with feelings that I would give anything not to feel: embarrassment, humiliation, shame.
Embarrassment is not something to take lightly.
In Judaism, it is taught that embarrassing another in public is akin to murder. It is considered a very severe and grave offense.
MURDER?!? What? Why?
Think about it. Your face first turns red, then white, as if the blood were drained from you like a form of bloodshed.
Embarrassment can kill someone’s spirit, their self-concept, their motivation and their reputation among many other deaths it can cause.
Embarrassment can kill someone’s spirit, their self-concept, their motivation and their reputation among many other deaths it can cause.
mindful doc mom
Think about your childhood school experiences. What stands out?
There are very few details that I remember, but the ones where I was embarrassed and felt shame I recall with excellent clarity.
We feel shame deeply and it sticks.
As parents, we have so many opportunities to interact with our children, for better or worse. Our success as a parent rests not in how our children turn out or who they become, but much more in how we showed up along the way. If we find ourselves repeatedly acting like someone we don’t want to be, we can change. It’s never too late. We can make simple shifts that create ripples of benefits for our children and ourselves.
We can still teach, inform, correct, critique and discipline, but we can try to do it privately, not publicly, and try to consider the others’ feelings at all times.
There is a story I once heard about a teacher that impacted me greatly and made me vow take extra care to try to avoid embarrassing my children or anyone else. I don’t recall all the details, but it goes something like this.
A man ran into his third grade teacher at a wedding. He introduced himself and the teacher asked what he had done with his life.
A man ran into his third grade teacher at a wedding. He introduced himself and the teacher asked what he had done with his life.
“I became a teacher, just like you!” he told him.
“That’s wonderful! Why did you decide to become a teacher?” he asked.
“It’s because of what happened in 3rd grade. Don’t you remember? It was such a big deal. It’s when I stole the watch from my classmate. He came to school with a shiny watch and I had always wanted one, but my parents couldn’t afford it. So I took it from his pocket and put it in mine. When he reported it, you asked for whoever took his watch to return it, but I didn’t. So then you lined us all up and had us turn our backs and close our eyes and empty our pockets. You went from child to child checking each pocket until you came to mine and found the watch, but then you kept going. I was SO embarrassed and ashamed. Everyone would now know it was me. But then you didn’t say anything. You didn’t tell the boy with the watch or the other kids or my parents. You didn’t even say a word to ME. I thought I would forever be labeled as a thief and no one would like me after that, but you were silent. It had such an impact on me throughout my life. If you could treat me with such respect, kindness and dignity and impact me so greatly, I wanted to be a teacher just like you and impact others as well.”
“That’s great” the older man said, but he seemed a bit confused, like he had no recollection of the story or the boy.
“How can you not remember what you did for me?” asked the boy incredulously.
“Because my eyes were closed, too” he said.
